Born Again Page 7

  “We met in a park. Dakota was feeling down and I stopped to help her,” he said, to my relief.

  Naomi’s smiling, teasing eyes drifted to me, communicating something I couldn’t understand. Then she turned back to Colin. “And how long have you been together?”

  “Uh, what is it now, honey, five years?”

  “Mm-hmm,” I muttered, finally able to set my glass aside. And now I was doing everything in my power not to look at her.

  “Wow, five years. That’s a long time. And no ring?”

  Colin shuffled nervously. “Well, I mean, we’ve discussed it, sort of. It’s... it’s always good to wait before, you know, stepping into, uh, these things.”

  She nodded with a knowing smile. “Of course.” She waved to someone across the room, mouthed a hello, then added, before shimmying away, “But don’t wait too long, or someone else might snap her up. Would you both excuse me?”

  “She actually doesn’t seem that bad,” Colin said when we were alone again. “Nice, even. Maybe it’s the setting.”

  I wasn’t really listening. In that moment he, and everyone else in that building, bar one, had ceased to exist in my world. Naomi’s scent still lingered in the air around me. Her words played on repeat. “Someone else might snap her up...” I couldn’t get over not just the words but the brief yet roguish look she gave me when she said it. Did she know something I myself was still trying to figure out? Could she see inside me, so deep even I hadn’t been able to see what was there? It terrified me to think about it.

  Colin had wandered off to find a bathroom, leaving me alone with some crudités. Gaynor and her husband did come over and say hi, briefly, but were called away. Their sitter was threatening to sue, apparently, because one of their kids bit her.

  I cast my eyes around the room. Naomi wasn’t there. Had she already left? Disappointed, I set off to find her. I had no idea what I would say if or when I did, but I just wanted to see her again. Suddenly that was all I could think about — seeing her, hearing that whisper of an accent, whose origin, judging from her surname, must have been French. There was so much — everything — I didn’t yet know about her.

  It didn’t take long to find her in the drawing room. But she wasn’t alone. Waistcoat Lawyer was with her. A handful of others had congregated there to hear a tuxedoed old man play the grand piano. The mounted heads of various large game decorated the walls. I was too fixated on my reason for being there to find the whole thing disgusting.

  I hung back, out of sight, behind one of the room’s large pillars. No one noticed that I was there. Every time I glanced over at them, they were laughing, standing closer than I was comfortable with. And then there was the touching. A stroke of the arm here, a squeeze of the arm there. It was, however, the longing way they looked at each other that really threw me. I knew that look in Waistcoat’s eyes — I’d had a similar one: she wanted to eat Naomi alive! And Naomi, well, she seemed receptive to all of it.

  My stomach convulsed; the debilitating rage that overcame me then, I didn’t realize I was capable of. Didn’t think anyone was capable of. All I had to do was look away, leave the room, go and find Colin and get on with my life. But I couldn’t. I needed to see where this would go, if it was what I thought it was.

  I couldn’t hear any of their conversation, and I was a terrible lip reader, so all I had to go off were their interactions — their eye-sex, their touches. They confirmed everything I feared.

  They left the room together, and I followed them at a safe distance, right back into the main reception room. Colin hadn’t returned, but Saeed and his girlfriend rejoined me.

  Waistcoat fetched drinks for herself and Naomi. The flirting continued.

  “What do you think they’re talking about?” I asked Saeed, gesturing in Naomi’s direction.

  “No idea, but that’s totally gonna happen.” His eyebrows jumped theatrically. How could this guy not be gay?

  “Why are you so sure?”

  “Look at them. They’re practically undressing each other with their eyes.”

  The fury raged on inside me.

  “So that’s her type, a woman who barely even looks like a woman?” I said before I could stop myself.

  “Ouch, someone’s catty tonight,” Saeed said. He and Ximena, who didn’t speak much, laughed. “She might be a nice person. And probably the shit in bed.”

  “Is it even okay for a senior associate to cavort with other people in the company?” I was trying to sound less bad-tempered.

  “Sure. Just not her subordinates. Like us, we’re off limits. That’s a sexual harassment case waiting to happen.”

  He didn’t know it, and never would have imagined it, but he’d crushed my spirit with that sentence. I still wasn’t sure how to deal with this new revelation about myself, but I knew what absolutely wasn’t going to happen now.

  I was finishing up in the bathroom when the door opened and Waistcoat walked in, startling me.

  “Oh God, sorry, I didn’t know anyone was in here.”

  It took everything in me not to snarl at her and tell her to get lost. I didn’t even know her name and she’d become my sworn enemy.

  I forced a smile. “It’s okay. I’m finished in here.”

  “Hey, you’re Colin’s girlfriend, right? I saw you with him. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself before. I’m Josie, I work with Colin.”

  “Dakota.” I didn’t shake hands with her because they were still a little wet from washing. But mainly because I didn’t like shaking hands with the Devil! Okay, so that was way too extreme. She actually seemed like a nice person, and more attractive up close. Deep dimples to boot.

  “I actually work for the company too,” I said, and had no idea where this was going.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I’m a junior executive... in the Sekhmet Building. I work in Household Goods...” I studied her face as she put two and two together.

  “Oh, so you must know Naomi?” There it was.

  “Yeah, she’s my boss.”

  She smiled. “She’s pretty great, huh?” So smitten.

  Forgive me, Lord, for I know exactly what I’m about to do, but because I’m a monster, I’m gonna do it anyway.

  “You’re not the only one who thinks that, believe me...”

  “What d’you mean?”

  “I’ve heard... stories.” Here I lowered my voice a little, leaned in. “Between you and me, the term ‘womanizer’ has come up a lot.” I shrugged for effect.

  “Really?”

  “Oh yeah, apparently she gets bored easily. Discards women without a second thought. Her heart is like a revolving door. So if you’re looking for something serious, you should probably look elsewhere.”

  When Josie’s face fell, and her smile vanished, a small part of me, the sane part, felt pity. But the reigning majority did a victory dance.

  “I’m sorry if I—”

  “No, no, it’s fine.” She was crestfallen. “Good to know these things.”

  I was elated as I left her, closed the door, turned to leave... and bumped right into Naomi!

  “You’d better have a very good reason for saying all of that libelous stuff about me, Miss Adams.”

  SEVEN

  “Well?”

  I was frozen to the spot, hoping and praying that I would melt into the floor, into a puddle, then evaporate into the air, and just vanish. Because there was no conceivable way of escaping this without everything going to shit.

  We were the only two people there, in a second floor corridor; no one around to get me out of this mess. I was on my own.

  She folded her arms, waited for me to waste my time trying to explain. A waste of time because there was nothing I could possibly say that would excuse my actions. Except the truth...

  “I...” My mouth felt numb. Had I been drugged? Well good, that would have been better than this. But no, the numbness stemmed from my anxiety.

  She raised a thick but perfectly plucked
eyebrow. She didn’t seem nearly as furious as I thought she would, as furious as she had every right to be.

  “I... I don’t know.” I could hear my pulse throbbing in my ear. The pounding, like the bass in house music. I bowed my head in shame. Not even telling a lie would work. I was only joking. Yeah, she wouldn’t buy that.

  “I think you do know,” she said levelly. Was I imagining it or had her tone taken on a softer cadence?

  I met her gaze again, alarmed. And as soon as I did, I knew instantly that she knew. She knew! Oh God, how? I only just realized myself. Was she a clairvoyant or something?

  Now what?

  My desperation to escape had magnified tenfold. My embarrassment would cripple me if I stayed there any longer.

  “I have to go,” I said.

  I tried to walk past her, but I felt her hand grab my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. We were just inches from each other. Her scent assaulted my nostrils in the best way.

  Then she whispered in a gentle voice reminiscent of her cafe persona, “This isn’t your world, Dakota. And I’m your boss. It’s never going to happen.”

  I felt my heart smashing into a thousand tiny pieces, each shard piercing my chest. I was bleeding internally. I’d made a terrifying self-discovery and had had my heart broken all within a matter of hours. Such luck.

  Saving face, at that point, was all I cared about. I would pick myself up later, once I was away from her.

  I yanked my arm from her grip. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have to go find my boyfriend.” Emphasis was placed on the word boyfriend, though I needn’t have gone to the trouble. She knew.

  It was at this moment that Josie came out. She looked between us, confused, and I took my opportunity to flee.

  I found Colin deep in conversation with one of his coworkers.

  “I’m not feeling too good,” I said, pressing a hand to my forehead. “Can we go?”

  We were a few miles from my place when he looked over at me sunken in the passenger seat, arms folded, gazing aimlessly out of the window.

  “Are you sulking?” he asked, a hint of amusement in his voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sulk before?”

  “I’m not sulking. I told you, I don’t feel well.”

  He picked up on my mood and didn’t attempt to poke any further. After another minute of silence, he said, “Great party, huh?”

  “It was okay.”

  He laughed. “Too opulent for you?”

  I didn’t respond. That was enough for him to leave me alone for the rest of the drive. He didn’t get a goodnight kiss, not even on the cheek.

  Brit was in the living room watching a game show and shouting at the TV when I let myself in. I kicked off my (her) heels and stormed straight past her without saying a word. I slammed the bedroom door shut, tossed my (her) purse on the bed, then furiously attempted to climb out of my (her) dress. Taking off a dress angrily was a skill in and of itself. One I hadn’t mastered. It was no surprise when the zipper broke.

  “Fuck!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. A word I hadn’t used in years, and oh did it feel therapeutic to say it. Like it had been fighting to burst out this whole time.

  Brit came rushing into the room, the biggest grin on her face. “You cursed,” she said, far too happy for my liking. “I just knew this day would come again.”

  “I broke your dress. I’m sorry,” I mumbled, plopping myself onto the bed, abandoning my struggle to get undressed.

  “Ah, who cares. I wanna know why you’ve returned to the dark side.”

  “Tiredness.”

  She gave me a skeptical look. “You’ve been tired for two and a half years, since you started working for that company. Try again. Truth this time.”

  I really wanted to ask why she was in her pajamas, alone, on a Saturday night. This almost never happened. Nevertheless I was glad it was just the two of us.

  I took a breath. “I think... I think I might be attracted... to women.” I winced, looked away.

  She chuckled. “You? Bullshit!”

  I threw up my arms. “That’s the last time I tell you anything.”

  She stopped laughing. Mostly. “Wait, you’re serious?”

  I nodded slowly, miserably. “It could be nothing. I hope it’s nothing.”

  She chuckled again. “Typical. I knew all that Jesus crap was a ruse. I just thought you had a weird fetish you were too ashamed to explore, and used the church as cover. But turns out you just like the ladies.”

  “Just? Having homosexual tendencies is not just anything. What am I supposed to do now?”

  She shrugged easily, like this was water off a duck’s back to her. “Do whatever you want. You’re only restricted by your own inhibitions... and, well, God.” She cackled. “I’m teasing. Do some exploring. Women are fun.”

  My eyes popped. “You’ve...?”

  “Of course. I’ve dabbled a few times.” She shrugged again.

  “And?”

  She offered me a salacious grin. “You just have to see for yourself.”

  What was the point when the woman I really wanted, the woman who’d awakened this dormant desire in me, was off limits?

  As she was leaving, she said, “What made you realize?”

  “Oh, I was crushing on a woman at the party...” I wasn’t yet ready to tell her exactly who the woman was, because the whole thing seemed laughable, and I didn’t want to feel any more pathetic than I already did.

  The following morning I called Colin to tell him I wouldn’t be at church that day because I was still feeling under the weather. As I sat there, laptop open, lying to my boyfriend and disobeying God, I was certain my soul would never be saved. And when he offered to stop by and look after me, whatever that meant, every inch of my body became guilt-ridden.

  But as soon as the conversation ended, I hit play on season one, episode one of The L Word, slipped on my headphones, sank beneath the duvet, and readied myself for a lesson in lesbian love.

  By late afternoon, I emerged from my room, shell shocked, starving and thirsty, having binge-watched my way through the first season without coming up for air.

  Brit was in the kitchen making a quiche when I trotted in, still in my nightgown, hair unbrushed.

  “Have you seriously been in there this whole time watching that show?” she said.

  “Yeah.” I poured myself a glass of sparkling water.

  “What did you think?” She’d suggested the show to me.

  “Show’s pretty good, but the other stuff... I don’t think it’s for me,” I said. “Looks too complicated.” Complicated, but super hot. The hottest thing I’d watched in a long time.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” She continued chopping vegetables.

  I frowned. “Wait, why do you say that?”

  She shrugged. “Well, you’re so straight it’s crazy. You wouldn’t last two seconds in a relationship with a woman.” She laughed to herself, no doubt imagining that scene.

  I took such offense. I should have known I was being tricked, that she was using reverse psychology on me. But I wasn’t thinking about any of that, only about Naomi’s words to me the night before. “This isn’t your world.” She, too, didn’t think I belonged in this new, scary yet exhilarating world of lady-loving. It was like an exclusive club that refused to grant me membership. Even penis-obsessed Brit had been on the guest list.

  She looked at me askance, smirking. “I mean, we could go to a lesbian bar next Saturday, see if anyone grabs your eye.”

  “Fine,” I said, determined.

  But before that, I had to get through a week of work... with the woman who’d turned my simple, uncomplicated life upside down.

  If Naomi’s demeanor were anything to go by, I would have thought I’d imagined the whole sorry episode at the retirement party. I should have known she would brush it aside; she’d likely spent her whole life letting people down. Men, women, young and old. Plus, she was a businesswoman — compartmentalizing we
nt with the job, and she excelled at it.

  Thus, it was business as usual in the office from the moment I arrived. She didn’t look at me, didn’t acknowledge my presence. We exchanged no words. We were back to being employer/employee. In reality, we’d never stopped being that, and she’d made it explicitly clear that we never would.

  Never. It sounded so definite, so permanent. Immutable. You couldn’t argue with never.

  And yet, I still couldn’t help myself. I toned down my longing, lasting looks whenever she strutted past me, or when we had group briefings around the conference table, but it took a great deal of effort to do so. Concentrating on anything she said was futile. Now that I’d taken a peek into that world, albeit peripherally, with the help of a TV show, my fantasies had become much more vivid. In fact, up until binge-watching The L Word, the most I’d thought about doing was kissing her.

  Saeed tapped on my office door while I was daydreaming. It was Thursday afternoon.

  “Hey,” I said when he came in. “What’s up?”

  “Did you bring lunch or...”

  I checked the time on my computer screen. Two minutes to one.

  “Wow, that time already? Let me grab my things.”

  We left together. I risked the quickest glance at Naomi’s office, checking if she was inside. But it was impossible to see through the closed blinds. She almost never opened them.

  “What are you in the mood for today?” Saeed asked.

  “Let’s go to Mario’s.” I’d been there a couple of times since the first. It held a special place in my heart, now more than ever. Every visit brought me back to that fateful day — my first day on the job, and our initial encounter. Mario didn’t know how significant his little shop, tucked away on an undesirable side street, had become to me.

  “I think I’m gonna have the mushroom and spinach calzone,” I said, my stomach churning at the thought.

  He laughed. “Branch out, girl. There are other fillings, you know.”